we need to talk postpartum anxiety & rage
We’ve seen the same story play out over and over- ourselves, our friends and family, or mothers who share their stories online. Moms go into their 6 week postpartum appointment, they express concern over the amount or intensity in which they are worrying about their baby, and the provider says “Welcome to motherhood!” with a smile. While I hope this isn’t your story, I know it is for a lot of new parents. This leads many women to believe what they are experiencing is normal and not seek further help.
Postpartum anxiety is characterized by the psychological symptoms of uncontrollable worrying, intrusive thoughts, obsessive impulses or behavior, struggles bonding with your baby, detachment or withdrawal from caretaking tasks, feelings of panic, irritability, among other symptoms. The physical signs and symptoms are shakiness, racing heart, shortness of breath, trouble sleeping, and fatigue. Postpartum anxiety can also have behavioral symptoms like avoiding certain activities, people, or places, checking on certain things over and over, and being controlling. Postpartum anxiety is different from the “baby blues” in that it is emotionally and physically debilitating and continues for more than one month. If you’re experiencing postpartum anxiety, receiving help is important for both you and your baby.
Anxiety can also begin before giving birth. This is called perinatal anxiety. Some women struggle to get pregnant or have a history of prior miscarriages, which can lead to intense worrying about their baby’s health. Perinatal anxiety can also begin with worries about something going wrong during pregnancy or can be triggered by an unexpected diagnosis, unmet expectations, etc during pregnancy as well.
POSTPARTUM anxiety
New moms worry. Worry is such a great tool our brains use to keep us, our babies, our spouse, and our families safe. The difference between worry and anxiety is that worry is fear of a threat that is actively occurring, while anxiety is all about “what ifs”. If we see our toddler walking towards a busy street, our brain will be triggered with feelings of worry, and we will immediately remedy that situation to ensure our child is safe. Anxiety is thinking that your child could be hit by a car some day, all the while they’re soundly asleep in the next room. Things become really hard and exhausting when our brains are in a nearly constant state of “what if”. As moms, we want to take the best care of our baby. Worry has a place in part of caring for our baby and family, but anxiety can easily become consuming and affect how we take care of our child. It can make our world feel small when it feels like “I can’t take my baby around these people because what if my baby gets really sick?” or “I can’t take my baby on a walk because what if we get hit by a car crossing an intersection?” or “What if I become ill and can’t care for my child anymore?. Anxiety can rob us of the joy and experiences we’re meant to have. You and your child deserve to experience the world in its fullness.
Another huge trigger for an already anxious mom can be external comments. I think there’s been a huge shift and awareness brought to this in the last couple years, but when I had my second baby, it was difficult to be experiencing postpartum anxiety already and then have someone make a comment or give unsolicited advice that gave me something else to worry about. I was already very worried if I’m doing x,y, and z right, and then to hear “Your baby is so tiny! Are they eating enough?!” My second baby was petite, but her pediatrician said she was following her growth curve, her output was right where it needed to be, and she was meeting her milestones. But those comments really got to me and became something new to obsess and worry over. Breastfeeding was already hard enough. This felt like “I’m not doing enough. My body isn’t enough.”, even though by all accounts my baby was healthy and eating enough. Nevertheless, I started over pumping again. I didn’t want people to think I was underfeeding my baby. Postpartum anxiety made me obsessed with this. While I hope the social climate has changed and will continue to change in regards to what we say to new moms, this was triggering for me. And when you have Postpartum Anxiety, those triggers can be a little harder to control.
POSTPARTUM rage
Postpartum rage is a branch of postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression. Postpartum rage is outbursts of anger and can be exacerbated by certain situations and feelings. It is an overwhelming sense of frustration and is triggered by things that normally wouldn’t make you angry. I started sharing about this a long time ago, before it was really discussed, because I didn’t know how to put a name to what I was feeling. I think it scares people to talk about, yet so many women experience it in some capacity. “How are moms angry? You’re supposed to be filled with love and happiness!” The word “rage” sounds like you do terrible things, making you a terrible mom- THIS IS NOT TRUE. Many moms dealing with postpartum anxiety and/or postpartum depression also deal with postpartum rage and it needs to be more widely talked about.
Listen to my episode with Dr. Cassidy on Postpartum Rage
We can change the narrative (and guilt!) in our heads when we become aware of triggers and intune with our deeper feelings. Postpartum rage often looks like a cycle- deeper feelings of loneliness/resentment/uncertainty, angry outbursts, and then guilt. When we consider that the feelings of anger that often lead to outbursts are alerting us to something deeper, we can break the cycle. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed by your current circumstances, or you feel isolated from your family and friends, or you feel resentment towards your spouse for not meeting the expectations you had for postpartum, or you’re stuck in a loop of postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression. When these feelings are left to fester, they can come out as a big burst of anger when something small happens (trigger). Your toddler didn’t put their shoes on the right feet while you got the baby changed and ready to go out the door? Suddenly you’re incredible frustrated with that. Your baby dumped their food on the floor you spent time and money on? Your heart is racing and your body feels boiling hot. If we can be intune with our bodies, we can stop the cycle. Your body is signaling that it is not properly regulating and an outburst is coming. For me, the signals were shortness of breath and feeling like my heart is racing. I knew these feelings of anger were not me- I’m usually pretty chill and laid back, so these feelings were a huge red flag. Once I recognized that these feelings are signaling that I actually need connection from loved ones, help with day to day tasks, or time for myself, I could take a deep breath, “count all the blue things in the room” (a tip from my therapist), knowing that I needed to soon reach out for further support to stop the cycle. Taking care of yourself will also positively impact your children. It’s important to recognize when you need help and break the cycle of postpartum rage.
TREATMENT
For me, it was easy to push off treatment by assuring myself “Oh I’ll feel better when my baby meets this milestone or “I’m ‘x’ months postpartum”. We can put off treatment, but the anxiety will still persist and then we’ll just be worried about the next thing. It’s so important to talk to someone. Talk with your doctor and don’t downplay how you’re feeling. They can get you on medication that can help, or recommend you get to a provider that specializes in postpartum anxiety. Even after the 6 week appointment, you can still seek help. Make the appointment today. I hope this can help at least one mom reach out and put the work in for her mental health. You deserve it!