Cute Aggression & Bonding With Our Baby
“I just want to eat my baby!”
“Those cheeks look delicious!”
“I could just squish you, you’re so cute!”
“I want to squeeze those little legs”
These sound….crazy, out of context. But, let’s be honest, have you said this to your baby or somebody else’s baby? Or maybe your mother-in-law has said it to your baby? Have you ever seen those tiny chunky thighs and thought to yourself, “I could just take a bite”?!
Why do humans want to “eat” or “squish” babies?!
Turns out, there’s actually a reason!
SO WHY DO WE WANT TO “eat” OR “squish” BABIES?
There is a lot of science behind this, but the important piece that all of that science really boils down to is that it is a biological instinct!
Dimorphous Expression.
When we are overwhelmed with so much positive emotion our brain perceives these emotions as “unmanageable”. Our brains then try to help “balance” the overwhelm of these emotions by expressing the opposite emotion.
HOW POSTPARTUM HORMONES CREATE THIS OVERWHELM
After our babies are born, we know that our bodies are flooded with oxytocin as the progesterone and estrogen drop.
As we know, oxytocin is one of the primary breastfeeding hormones, but we also still create this if not breastfeeding.
It is also what bonds us with our scrumptious little babies! We, as humans, are hard-wired to feel happy when we look at our babies - it is how we bond and inform our bodies that this tiny human is ours to care for.
So it makes sense, then, that an overwhelm of these happy feelings would need balance. That just so happens to come in the form of wanting to squeeze our babies or eat their chunky cheeks!
This need for balance in this dimorphous expression can go both ways!
Fredrickson and Levenson (1998) reported such a dimorphic response to negative emotion, when over half of their participants spontaneously smiled while watching the most intense moments of a sad movie scene.
Those who displayed their sadness in this dimorphic manner reported feeling sad but had faster cardiovascular recovery from the sad event than those who did not smile.
It’s wild how the brain works. But, I know for certain there have been moments I’ve experienced this! Just wanting to gobble up those baby legs!
WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON’T immediately FEEL BONDED TO MY BABY?
What happens if your baby comes out and you don’t immediately want to snack on some baby cheeks?
Nothing. Because it is absolutely normal to not immediately feel bonded to your baby!
There is so much pressure and expectation on how we’re *supposed* to feel once our baby is born. But the truth is, it can sometimes take time to build that bond.
In movies, shows, announcement photos: it’s pure bliss, innate connection and maternal instinct “takeover”, cloud 9 from the moment the baby comes out. And in many cases, yes, of course this can happen! But in some cases— that deep bond and connection and “cute aggression” needs time to build.
We polled (on IG) tens of thousands of moms just like you about that instant connection.
48% felt the instant connection and bliss
52% felt like it took more time to bond with their baby, wasn’t instant
66% said it differed between births (ex: 1 bond was instant, the next took more time, etc)
There are so many things that can affect this bond. Everything going “according to plan” and “best case” doesn’t always exempt the feelings that come along with it!
All this to say – that rush of emotion that comes over you (or doesn’t!) does not get to determine anything about how much you love your baby or how incredible of a mother you are. There isn’t a “right way to feel” when your baby is born. It can be different for everyone. And every birth.
Maybe you’ll feel like squishing your baby until they’re fused with your body the moment they arrive (also please don’t- be careful!)
But maybe it will take time before you’re getting that cute aggressive urge to “eat” those chunky arms.
Does it make you any less of a mother if you don’t immediately bond with your baby? No.
Does it mean you don’t love your baby more than anything in the world? Absolutely not.
Does it mean maybe you weren’t “cut out for motherhood”? Nope, not at all.
You are NOT alone, mama.
If you are feeling concerned, don’t hesitate to reach out to your provider to check for postpartum depression or anxiety. These things can certainly, over time, impede our ability to bond with our baby and are worth addressing. Your baby is worth it and you are worth it.
Until then, trust that you’re doing all that you can do for you and your baby, and trust that you are an excellent mama with lots of love that will grow.
If you want to watch my reel on cute aggression, you can do that here.
If you want to watch my reel on bonding, you can do that here.
Xoxo
Karrie
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